Everybody wants to be in control. While some resist authority, others follow blindly. The ability to control another person is an ego booster for some.
Being the eldest, my parents granted me the right to be in control of my two younger siblings at the tender age of 7. My parents were always away during weekdays so I had to step up and prove them I was the trustworthy, responsible and reliable ate (older sister) to my younger brothers. Being in control felt good. I liked how I was able to tell my siblings what to do, when to play and most importantly, the satisfaction I felt when they followed my rules. Yes, my rules! At the age of 7, I felt like I was the boss. I remembered how my two brothers would gang up on me because of how I treated them. They used to call me, Ms. Utos (Commander). They didn’t like it whenever I told them to do this, do that while I sat in front of the TV and watched my favourite TV show. They despised me and even if I always ended up being the sore loser, I liked it anyway. Because at the end of the day, I was still in control.
So, I grew up being in control most of the time and there were times that I found it so difficult to follow someone, thinking that I should be the one giving orders and not the other way around. I preferred doing things my way. I was stubborn. It was only later in my adult years I realised that I became too spent trying to always be in control. I used up most of my energy controlling things (sometimes, even those which are waaaaay out of my control) and worrying about the outcomes of my decisions especially if they are life-changing ones. If things don’t go my way, I’ll end up asking all the whys to questions I don’t even have answers to. I worry and I…….. freeeeaaaak out!
Many times, I forgot that the Lord’s ways are definitely way beyond what the human mind can muster. Many of my experiences in Singapore are a testament of the Lord’s faithfulness- that if I just learn to let go and let Him be in control, I’m headed to the right direction plus I get a bonus because He answers all of my whys. I keep this verse in my head for the rainy days. Whenever I feel troubled, worry about something and things go bonkers, I pull out..
It’s quite similar to the first time you learned how to drive a car. You get hyped up whenever there’s a chance for you to drive or how you smiled from ear to ear whenever someone asked you to give him a lift to the nearest supermarket. It’s like you’re in cloud 9 whenever you’re behind the steering wheel. But after some time, you’d rather have someone drive for you, right? It feels much better to just sit back, relax and be able to put your make up on.
One of the biggest life-changing decisions I’ve made was when I shifted my entire life to Singapore in 2007 and left everything I’ve got in the Philippines. I just kept my faith and believed that a greater purpose will be revealed to me eventually. I didn’t have the most fantastic first job in Singapore but God has led me to paths that helped me achieve my goals and more.
When my husband and I first applied for our permanent resident status in Canada two years ago, we didn’t make it. I saw my husband’s frustration, depression and all the negative emotions that come along with not getting the approval. Our hearts were crushed. I had to be strong for both of us and kept my faith that there’s a reason why we didn’t get it. A year after, we got the approval and now we are here! Lesson learned: Don’t be makulit. When God says wait, wait. Let Him be in-charge. We did and we couldn’t be happier that we came here prepared in all aspects. My husband and I are not afraid as we take on this new journey together because we both know that God is cooking up an amazing surprise for both of us. We just need to believe and keep our faith.
If I was able to let HIM be in control back in 2007 when I was totally clueless of what was in store for me in Singapore, what is there to fear now? Nothing. I’m braver too because I have my husband with me. It’s like I was given the combined super powers of The Hulk and Thor’s heavyweight hammer. I couldn’t thank the Lord enough for blessing a control freak like me with someone who could be in-charge of my worries and protect me from all of my fears. I am more relaxed now because I’m pretty sure God is moulding Alberto to be a good head of our family. I consult my husband whenever big decisions need to be made. Sometimes, it’s his call. I’m happy that he also gives me the freedom to make my own decisions sometimes. He doesn’t overpower me. He respects me. He considers my opinions and feelings. We work like a team and he reminds me that we are every single time. I think I have the best teammate evvveeerr!
I fear nothing now and I am more at ease. With God and Alberto by my side, I can be still.